I named the thread such because the mind to me is such a powerful part of us. It goes on wandering at times, going into far away places as well as nearby locations. It slowly meanders, just like a river, all along the valley of thought.
 |
| A river meanders along the flood plain. The loops of the meanders might form ox-bow lakes after some time. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19th November, 2010
Hi gang,
Being a writer is not easy (ha ha ha perasan pulau I ni) . At least that is what I think because I am not yet a writer. Writer in the making may be eh? Friday morning humour!. I do like writing, that is, I think I can express myself on paper/screen much better than I do verbally. So yesterday I've decided to write you all everyday. Resume my unofficial personal column "The Wandering and Meandering mind" which I started quite some time ago. Orang sibuk dengan blog, I guna e-mail biasa je dah le. Something simple, fresh , original that I can share with you all. You know what? This morning I face a major stumbling block. I find I have nothing to write. Writer's block ke ni? May be I need a muse. A muse (which is a noun in this case, by the way) is someone that helps provide enthusiasm or determination for artists such as painters, poets, musicians to create something artistic. Let me see, there's quite a long list of guys that I would like to be my muse.............starting with Edward Cullen may be!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22nd November, 2010
Hi gang,
It was drizzling just now as I walked from the commuter station to CIAST. The monsoon is here again. It looks like today is going to be that sort of dreary cloudy grey day and it might rain all day. It is a little depressing for me. I am that kind of person who is quite affected by weather. It was worse when I was having my depression in those old days It was also quite difficult during winter when I was abroad as winter's greyness abroad was much worse that our rainy days here.
Anyway I am not going to let this grey weather depresses me today or any other day for that matter. Life is too precious, too valuable to be spoiled by bad weather!
I'll begin the day by counting my blessings. Alamak, cliche isn't, this is always being said every now and then. Count your blessing. OK let's see!
-First and foremost I'm healthy. I might be overweight but at least generally I am healthy.
-I am independent, I lead my life the way I want it. It hadn't been smooth sailing but it is not sailing if it is always very calm and not windy.
-I had all of you for my friends. I might not be a perfect friend for you all, I have my faults, but I do believe at times I am irresistible (perasan da....he he he.).
-My life is OK, I am not rich and neither do I have lots of saving but it is OK for my own purposes.
-I have gone through quite a lot. There had been relationship problems in the past and some were quite painful. I have learnt a lot from those and indeed they had made me become cynical, distrusting, aloof, indifferent in some ways but in others they definitely made me a stronger tougher person. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to go through my difficult time because somehow I survived through it all. At the time I was having all those problems I thought I would evaporate into thin air and die but here I am.
-The school of life is continuous and I definitely have a lot to learn still.
By the time I finished writing this, the sun is shining quite bright!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8th December, 2010
Hi guys!
Working again after the four-day break. Saturday, Sunday, Monday I was on leave and Tuesday was the Awal Muharram public holiday. The break was indeed a bliss in the sense that I could replace some insufficient sleep and did some organising and reorganising and throwing away things in the house. I am a self-confessed hoarder! Hard for me to admit but then for any affliction to get cured/better, first and foremost the sufferer must acknowledge that there is a problem. Though not at the serious level like those shown on Biography Channel, I have to admit I like to accumulate things/possessions and I have difficulties throwing away things that I don't already use. Nothing like garbage or trash like depicted in the series"HOARDERS" but still there are too many stuffs around.
How did the hoarding start? What were the underlying factors that make me like to buy, keep, accumulate things? I'm not really sure. However I guessed there were things that happened especially during my formative years that contributed to that. Must be some deep-seated insecurities. Anyway the important thing is I realised that there is a problem and I'm finding ways to overcome it. Clearing up the clutter is one way but I must also really tackle the reasons for the hoarding otherwise the accumulating will start again. First and foremost, stop buying! Well I have actually reduce buying some stuffs, but not other stuffs (really, that is the defense mechanism of a hoarder!)
I'm a bit lonely today as all my beloved companions are away! Wrote this during lunch break while following the two-day ergonomics course.
Love you all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
31st January, 2011
Hi gang,
As can be observed the weather is grey, dull and dreary today. Looks like continuation of yesterday's rain. I wear yellow today because I hope it will make me feel warm and cosy despite this sad pathetic weather. Well, on the positive side, at least we are not flooded down here in Klang Valley. The people in Labis already had it quite bad I think.
I was reading about the Egyptian riots in the papers today. Didn't know about it until this morning because I didn't watch news programme these few days. Our government was saying things like Malaysians in Egypt are okay and the students in Egypt will not be brought back and some tour agencies were saying that they had no plans to cancel all confirmed trips to Egypt. I believe Egypt depends quite a bit on her tourism sector and it is sad to read how protesters looted the famed Egyptian Museum, ripping up heads of mummies in the process. Mobs in a frenzy are indeed very emotional, irrational and dangerous.
I always believe it is bad to make judgement on anything unless you really know what it is all about. There must be reasons why Egyptians took to the streets and this time the riots erupted it seemed with little warning.. A lot has to do with the ruling government and with Hosni Mubarak. A lot has also been said about the repressive and neglecting nature of the government causing explosions of anger among civilians.
Hosni Mubarak's wealth is estimated to be at around US20 billion and he has been in power since 1981. To me, a mere, humble, sometimes financially struggling Malaysian civil servant, to be worth US20 billion is a mind-blowing, humongous and a little too surreal an experience. It really amazed me that with that kind of wealth the president still clings to power despite the obvious resentment and dissatisfaction of certain quarters towards him, despite the previous assassination attempts on him, despite him being 82. Perhaps that is the downside of power, it makes you greedier and you just never know when to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17th March, 2011
Hi guys,
I still have the sore throat though it is much better today. Its rather quiet in PPL. A lot of people are on leave because of the school holidays, as it is in the whole of CIAST. The weather is cloudy and dull and my thought keeps lingering on what is happening in Japan.
When I was about to go to Japan before, I still remember, my maternal grandmother, my Opah cautioning me " Jaga-jaga depa tu jahat!". That was way back in 1987 and my gentle, caring, loving Opah is no more here. She passed away about two years after that. Opah was a divorcee with four kids during World War II. She was divorced from my grandfather when he took a second wife. Opah had to fend for herself and the five kids by selling things from her home as well as peddling from house to house and kampung to kampung, mostly I was told in the vicinity of Teluk Intan. My late mum told me Opah sold anything she could lay her hands own, but mostly kain batik. Those were difficult times and she was indeed struggling. I didn't exactly know whether my grandfather was a responsible father in term of providing for the kids at that time. However mum did mentioned to me there were times, when she and my uncles and auntie were missing their father so much that they waited at the junction of the road to his house (with the new wife) just to see him because he did not come home to them for weeks. And he never came. Mum was crying when she was relating that story to me. That story stuck with me to this very day. I never knew my maternal grandfather as he passed away, if I am not wrong, a few months after I was born. Opah later worked in Teluk Intan and subsequently in Ipoh with the family of the Raja DiHilir at that time. She was nanny to the family. The fact that my Opah was a servant in the raja household was something degrading to a lot of the members of my father's side of the family particularly my adopted mother (who is actually my father's elder sister). To this day I do not understand why. Is it degrading to be a servant when you perform honest job to support your family. I salute you Opah, for your strength and determination and the single-mindedness in looking after your family and keeping them together.
When my adopted parents divorced in 1965, I and my adopted mother moved from Sabak Bernam to Slim River to live with my paternal grandparents for a while. My adopted father, for all his faults with my adopted mother, was a very loving gentle father to me. As a kid (I was 11 at that time) I always believed that my adopted father would come to see me as I miss him very very much. I waited and waited and he never came. I understand how you felt mum!
Well, back to the Japanese. I stayed in Japan for almost a year in 1987. I made friends with a lot of Japanese and to me they were very nice people. They were courteous, disciplined and hard-working. My Opah was from a different time and her view of the Japanese were definitely justified from her experience of the war. Whatever it is I pray that the Japanese will be able to overcome their present nuclear crisis which seemed to be escalating out of control. My heart goes out to them. The tsunami has left half a million of them homeless, tens of thousands are dead, search and rescue efforts are hampered by blizzard and cold weather while the Fukushima nuclear power plant is slowly spewing poisonous radiation and in grave danger of a meltdown. Please help them my Lord!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18th March, 2011
Hi guys!
In the mode to write these few days! The prominence of Malay horror movie nowadays makes me reflect on my own fear of supernatural beings.
My Fear of Ghosts
About a year and a half ago a neighbour told me that someone saw ghosts on the jambu tree in my backyard at about three in the morning “ Ada tiga ekor!”. I felt blood drained from my face as I listened to one of them describing that to me that. I have lived in the house for about twelve years and I have never seen anything or heard anything out of this world. All I knew was theneighbours' chickens like to sleep on the jambu tree at night. Atan, my nephew, lived with me for quite sometime and he himself never experience anything strange, though it was quite often that he came back late after midnight. My grandfather used to tell me that every house has a “semangat rumah”, a spirit that dwells in every house and guards that particular home and it occupants lovingly. If it is a semangat rumah, then it should love me and not frighten me.
I didn't sleep well that night. Fell asleep a few times but the anxiety woke me up again a few minutes later. I kept thinking that the ghosts might show themselves to me in a horrible way and I might die of fright because they will continue frightening me. When I sit down and think about it very carefully, the core of my fear is that these creatures might disturb me by scaring and frightening me at night and depriving me of restful sleep. Nights are the time of day that I relax, be with friends, having good conversations, sharing laughter, watch news or movies, read my favourite book, play with my pet or just lie down resting before I go to sleep. I desire my nights to be peaceful and full of opportunity for me to do what I like when I'm home and to be able to sleep peacefully. I really need to come to terms about this (I mean my fear of ghosts) on my own so that my life will not be affected. It is not a reasonable option that I have to be scared of them and my life is disrupted when I do not mean any harm ever to them.
What did I do? I kept repeating to myself : “ I acknowledged that there are other beings or creatures that the Lord created. Each of us have the right to exist in this world. If you want to make the jambu tree your home, then stay there by all means, but please do not ever, ever, ever show yourselves to me or my neighbours or the neighbourhood children that used to play in the lane adjacent to my house. Your features might be okay in your world, but in ours you all frighten the shit out of us. Well, forgive me, for implying that you all are hideous but that is as far as far as the conditioning that I grew up with, that ghosts are horrible-looking. I respect you as you are also God's creatures and I never meant you any harm and I believe you never meant me any harm too. Let's coexist together peacefully harmoniously”
That being done I placed a broom and a wooden stick next to me before I go sleep. If anything disturbs me I will fight back using the stick and the broom. God forbids I will not faint first before I hit them with the stick or broom! However I strongly believe the Lord will help people who strives to better themselves, who put effort in overcoming hardships in their lives..
Some people do not believe in ghost. I do mainly because many family members including my father have mentioned their many encounters with ghost. When I was a little girl my adopted father used to tell stories of dead people coming back to their home just after they have been buried. Ghost stories were very much a part of my growing up and ghost stories were used to frighten children then. However to say that I have really encountered a horrible looking ghost that has all intent on scaring me or harming me, no I have never. I did experience one or two encounters that I myself could not explain but they were anything but frightening at the very moment. The creatures themselves looked quite human and were the least interested in me and was trying to avoid me actually. The fear came later on when I realised that they might be ghosts. That's the irony about the whole things which irritates me so very much, is that I am scared of things that do not mean me any harm whatsoever. I am scared of things that I do not understand. I am scared of other beings which may be just need to exist together in this universe.
Life is too short to waste on trivial things like these and time is too precious to be wasted on worrying about things that in no way will make my life better, or will make me a better person. I make effort to live my life as independent and as happy as possible. My Lord please give me your divine guidance! Nudge me to the path that is wise, rational, true, positive, proactive and practical, help me overcome the fear of things I do not understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment