Living In The Present Moment

Fleeting Joy

Drops of dew on leaves

in the warm morning sun

the green, yellow, purple of my potted plants

I'm standing still rooted to the earth

watching you, scanning you

feeling that you're sensing me, scrutinizing me too

slowly but definitely

touch me, touch my soul again, mesmerize me

let me flow with you in the stream of life

I can feel you if  I make the effort, if I pause, if I be

your life in my arteries, in my veins, throbbing, pulsating

your beingness, my beingness, our oneness 

your cells slowly dividing multiplying

much slower than the beating of my heart

but living definitely in actuality

oh joy, fleeting but but genuinely enriching my soul

I want to savour your every particle in this moment

an instant so dense so penetratingly soothing

when I am completely still

Oh  beloved benevolent Universe

your magic immeasurably 

I'm floating or am I drowning?

in the ether of timelessness

experiencing the moment, this very very instant

completely in the now

instant by instant, this moment 

like the slow tapping of the rain on my roof

or the rumbling s of thunder 

or the explosion of lightning

splitting and scattering air molecules

Gently lay my head on my dozing cat's tummy

slow movement up and down, warmth

the ecstasy, the comfort, the healing rhythm

the purring of my fur baby.

Dear Lord

I am struggling, grappling, scrambling

to lift the veil of my egoic identities

layers and layers of them sticking to me

please let me be, just be, totally be

living mindfully, presently, always here

as still as I can be

surrendering to you with joy in my heart

and free of endless worries.

About Depression

(This post, with the poem, is dedicated to all those who have suffered from depression and are now OK and doing well, all those still suffering from depression but are managing and doing OK, all those who are silently suffering from depression but are scared and ashamed to get treated for fear of being ridiculed or labelled "mental, gila or mengada-ngada" and all others suffering from some form of mental illnesses or other, besides depression. Depression-wise, I have been through it all: the suffering, the massive guilt, the void, the bottomless pit, the thoughts about suicide, living but just waiting to die, the struggle to get better, the stigma, picking up the pieces of my life, slowly rebuilding my torn apart and shredded self-esteem, looking at life with a more positive perspective, realising that I am enough, recognising my weaknesses as well as my strengths and life goes on. The poem below is how I felt at the deepest point of my depression.)

Mental illness is very much stigmatised in our society. Someone with mental illness is often viewed upon as someone who is always mediocre in his or her performance, has poor control of his or her emotions, always making a mountain out of a mole hill, never put effort to "snap" out of his or her illness, will not go far in any endeavour. A prospective employer probably will have second thoughts about hiring a new worker with mental illness. 

Only in the last four or five years I am comfortable about speaking and writing about my own experience of depression. It is not because I am ashamed of it but because I am irritated with some people who do not understand the illness, do not make effort to find out and yet are quick to make comments and assumptions that are not true. Nowadays I just accept that there will always be some arrogant jerks around who love to put people down and who think they themselves are immune to mental illnesses. 

In my my early thirties I was diagnosed with severe depression. Throughout the prime of my life I was juggling this disease, my job, the antics of my psychotic adopted mother and her dysfunctional marriages and the very pressure of maintaining a relationship with some very selfish guys. It was horrendous. A lot of the time, I had to bow down to what others want from me and what is dictated by society's norm, being the good obedient daughter that I was supposed to be. I just did not know who I was, even if, on the facade, I seemed to be functioning well in my daily life. I felt useless, hopeless, helpless and not worthy of any love even from myself, especially from myself. Though I did not realise that until much much later. I was an automaton rushing here and there to please others, depending on who at the time is holding the switch to turn me on. It got so bad that one day I had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalised. It was very lucky for me that one of the doctors at the private clinic I frequented in Brickfields, urged me to seek treatment ASAP before I kill myself with all the sleeping tablets that I procured from the many private clinics around there. Sleeping tablets gave me temporary relief for all that sleeplessness, that intense despair, that permanent sinking feeling in my gut and I just couldn't care less if they were bad for me. At that time sleeping tablets of various kinds could easily be prescribed by private clinics. Nowadays, I believe, there are more stringent rules about prescribing such medicine. It was a very dangerous time in my life. I would describe myself then as a walking shell, hollow, brittle and fragile. Only the Lord's grace guided me to that compassionate doctor and then to the hospital thus preventing me from doing something foolish.

Recovery for me took years. Medication, psychotherapy with psychiatrist, group psychotherapy, art therapy, I diligently followed all my doctor's advice and instructions. I really really want to get better. For the first few years of treatment I felt better. No more suicidal thoughts and I could sleep much better. Most of the time however I felt flat. Not depressed but there was no joy in my heart either. Life is just to be lived while waiting for my time to die. There were times I just fell to my knees and prayed. Asking the Lord for assistance, I just didn't know what to do anymore, I totally surrendered. Those were the few times in my life that I really absolutely surrendered to the Lord.

Very very slowly a dim light began to emerge at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps I will write about the recovery in another post.

Nowadays we read so many cases of suicide as a result of people suffering from depression. From all walks of life, depression does not distinguish between status, creed, colour, religion, etc. Celebrity-wise actor and comedian Robbin Williams (2014), celebrity chef, travel show host, best-selling author Anthony Bourdain (2018), American fashion designer and entrepreneur Kate Spade (2018) were just a few examples. The effects of depression can be hideous and very dark that they can claim the lives of people who were seemingly doing very well in their lives. I realised that I am very lucky to have been able to get a grip of my depression. I don't say that I am completely from it. From time to time it still does challenge me, tries to upset me but I'm okay with that now. After struggling for years with depression, I also learnt some coping skills. I do not believe or take seriously what the depression is telling me. 

Melancholy and Despair

Once upon a time there was me

being tossed around like a piece of debris

in the fierce storm brewing inside me

I was on a very steep slippery cliff

barefoot dirty unkempt ghastly, ghostly appearance

staggering unsteady in the violent gusts of hopelessness, helplessness

wearing a huge old grey robe, or was it a sack?

the robe in tatters

my feelings and emotions are outrageously in tatters too

in the abyss of despair

not caring about anything, everything

particularly not caring about me.

There's the deep chasm below between the jagged rocks

am I not scared of the piercing rocks?

what am I doing on this precarious spot?

but what the heck danger means nothing

there was a blackness there

a thick inky phlegm of guilt, despair, self-loathing

I want to live, I want to die, I don't know

there is still a desire to live

but what is there for me anymore?

Meditating On Sounds

Trying my hands at writing simple poems in English. This is my first.

Of Sounds In The "Now"

I sit comfortably on the wing chair

totally put my weight on the chair, limbs all loose and heavy

I close my eyes, else it compromises what I hear

I hear the whirling of the ceiling fan and the stand fan

feel the cool air circulating around me

oops...... I hear the movement of my kids' flap door

probably my orange boy coming in, too hot outside

and then Adik Comot  is meowing

a motorbike passing by, then another motorbike

there's a distant heavy vehicle 

a  car passing in front of my home, 

another distant vehicle much heavier, much bigger probably

another motorbike, another car some distance away

some bird, maybe a crow, or is it a raven?            

another car, another bike, another bike

another big motorbike, another car, another bird

all the while the whirling of the fans is major

there's the Azan, it's 13.23 hrs...............and so on, and so forth.

Beautiful, warm sounds of life passing all around me

totally, absolutely, no comment, no judgement, no labelling from me

Well, to the best of my ability that is 

(to subdue the mind is like holding onto the rein

of a very energetic young horse)

just letting them pass by me

like debris, flotsam, wreckage in a river 

a little weight is lifted from my heavy heart

even if it is just a matter of minutes.

I realised now

how much I was carried away in the race for targets

achievements, accumulations, possessions,

rushing here rushing there

hurry, hurry, hurry I always need to arrive at destinations

when I arrived, I was flabbergasted

for there are more destinations to be achieved

but I don't even know how I got there

I've totally forgotten about the previous journeys.

Nearby Tam is napping

or is she?

or she too is meditating like me?

she is just a feline

but may be much more profound as a divine entity

nearer to the Lord than I will ever be.

SiBongsu

(Photo snapped this morning)

Ini anakku yang bongsu

rupa dan warna biasa saja namun dimataku penuh sempurna

melebihi comel semua anak-anak lain

baik anak-anak manusia mau pun anak-anak bulus.

Kalau teman-teman yang sama jiwa  

minta untuk aku bercerita tentang kasih sayangku kepada siBongsu ini

maka aku akan bercakap berminit-minit lamanya

penuh fasih, penuh artikulasi, dengan mata bercahaya

begitu begini senyum tiada hentinya

yang adalah anih bagi aku seorang introvert

yang selalunya lebih suka mendengar dari bercerita

Hatiku selalu penuh kehairanan kenapa

mudah untuk ku rasa solidariti, unity, comradeship

dengan species sama siBongsu atau yang sama kategori 

tetapi tidak dengan manusia biasa.

Ku tenung mata siBongsu yang manja

ku rasa geselan nya di kaki

maka ada sentuhan ketuhanan 

yang amat indah dan amat mendalam

untuk ku amati, ku pelajari dan ku fahamkan.

Journaling for Self-Discovery, Resolving Issues and Noting Down Assistance Given by The Lord

Journaling is supposed to be one of the best ways to explore your feelings and work through your limiting beliefs. Some people make it an essential part of their morning routine and many truly believe that it has made an impact on the way they go about their day.

I do journal but I have no routine. I am a sporadic journal writer. There are times when I might be writing my journal the whole day and late into the night, pouring my heart out and often finding something about myself. Then I might leave the journal dormant for three or four days. Then the next two consecutive days I'll be writing, writing, writing.

What did I write in my journal? My wishes, my hopes, my dreams, my prayers. My feelings and emotions about things that happened to me. My amazement at my strengths in some life situations (really I did!). My regrets and my worries. The journal is a tool for me to learn to forgive myself and to accept that some appalling things had to happen for me to heighten my depth as a human being. It is also a record of things that I have learned recently about myself. It helps resolve issues sometimes. At other time, it is like a good listener or maybe a silent watcher. The journal is also a record book of the epiphanies, the nudges, the pushes and the grabbing before the fall from the Lord. It is indeed a book of self-discovery. A discovery that is meaningful to you yourself only,

In journaling, I don't censor myself. I pour my heart out. I am free with my words while accessing my feelings and emotions. It is for myself and nobody else. I even doodle or draw stick people on my journal and sometimes paste pictures onto them if they are motivating to me. I will continue with this pursuit of self-discovery.

The following are some journal prompts which I gather from all over the net. But, honestly, just trust yourself and write what you feel and what is close to your heart. Some of the suggestions are inspirational but others are idiotic in my opinion. Just kidding. Texts in blue are my own comments, just being cheeky 😁. Journaling is for you, so it is up to you. Your intuition will guide you to write what you ought to write, to understand yourself more or to discover your innermost feelings or even to give you inspiration on a certain issue. 

JOURNAL PROMPTS FOR SELF DISCOVERY

Describe exactly what your dream life and future looks like.

What is your ideal daily routine? (Does it really matter, does it have to be ideal?)

Name 5 things that always make you feel better.

What makes you unique? (introverts will find it hard to write about such topics, 

 most introverts, I think, are unassuming and find it difficult to praise themselves)

What did the past year teach you about yourself?

Do you get more energy from being around other people or spending time alone?

(for an introvert, the above question is stupid)

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

What are your core values?

What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?

How do you maintain a loving relationship with yourself?

(the above question is very important to me)

When do you feel the most productive? Why?

What are 10 things you are grateful for?

If no one else’s opinion mattered, what would you do?

What makes you happy?

Describe your perfect morning routine.

(does everything has to be perfect)

What do you believe to be true about yourself? Why?

Do you like taking risks? Why or why not?

What do you deserve?

List 5 things you are really good at.

What does success mean to you?

Describe a past negative experience that ended up helping you grow.

What are your 3 big long-term goals for this year?

What do you love about life?

Describe a moment of serendipity.

(serendipity: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way)

What makes you unhappy?

If you could give advice to yourself 10 years ago, what would it be?

If failure was not an option, what would you do?

Describe your perfect nighttime routine (again, does it have to be perfect)

Does social media inspire you or cause you to compare yourself to others?

What does happiness mean to you?

Who is your support system? How do they help you grow?

In what ways do you hope to grow next year?

List 10 ways that you can simplify your life today.

What healthy boundaries have you set in your life?

List 5 of your most positive traits.

Describe your dream job.

When do you feel most energized? Why?

How would someone who loves you describe you? (how the hell would I know that 😊)

If you could say one thing to the entire world, what would it be?

Write a letter to yourself 10 years from now.

How do you “create your own sunshine”?

Describe your favourite memory.

Who is your biggest inspiration? Why?

List 3 ways that you have invested in yourself over the past 5 years.

How do you want people to remember you? (I just don't care)

What are your 3 top priorities in life right now?

How do you radiate positive energy into the world? (the simplest? Smile!)

About Lists

This is my kind of to-do-yourself book.

This book is about the art (yes art) of using lists to simplify, organise and enrich your life 😁😊. Lists? Yes, lists.

Why list?
There are many reasons to list. Some do it for fun, some do it for business, some do it for resolving issues, some do it for anything, everything. If I'm not sure of anything important, or even anything mundane sometimes, I make a list. I will list up, as honestly as possible, my thoughts on the issue at hand. I would explore my feelings about it and it's an excellent mindfulness exercise. You have to be still and concentrate and searched your psyche. Some lists about myself are really joyful to make but are private, only for my perusal.

Whether we’re writing down healthful goals or just making grocery lists, the benefits are equal:
Reduce anxiety:
Boost your brain power:
Improve focus:
Increase self-esteem:
Organise your thoughts

A LIST OF LISTS 

• Shopping lists
• To-do lists
• Business ideas lists
• Story ideas lists
• Blog ideas lists
• Funny things the kids have said lists
• Things we need to sort out in the house lists
• Wish lists
• Goals, hopes, dreams
• Prayer lists
• Kenduri preparation list
• Bucket Lists
• Should I retire next year? Pros and cons lists
• Reasons to move to KK list
• What to say to someone list (when you have some issues) to make sure you don't get side-tracked or forget anything important

Here, then, are some lists that are fun to make when we’re feeling down

• List your favourite books.
• List the books you want to read.
• List your favourite movies.
• List the movies you want to watch.
• List all the adventures you’ve been on.
• List all the adventures you want to go on.
• List all the countries/cities you’ve been to.
• List all the countries/cities you want to go to.
• List your favourite songs.
• List your favourite people.
• List people who have helped you.
• List people you have helped.
• List your best childhood memories.
• List all the things you know how to do well.
• List the skills you’d like to learn.
• List the problems you’ve solved and the challenges you’ve overcome.
• List the things you loved to do as a child.
• List your favourite meals and desserts.
• List all the foods you would like to try.
• List your best qualities –your best physical and character traits.
• List all your hobbies (past and present).
• List the hobbies you would like to try.
• List ways to de-stress and practise self-care.
• List ways you can step out of your comfort zone.
• List all the goals you’ve achieved.
• List the goals you want to achieve.
• List the things you love about your significant other.
• List things you would like to do with your significant other.
• List the things you love most about your kids.
• List things you would like to do with your kids.
• List your favourite affirmations.
• List what you love to do when it’s time to play.
• List playful activities you would like to try.
• List your favourite things in nature.
• List the natural wonders you would like to visit.
• List things you worried about in the past that never happened.
• List things you need to stop worrying about.
• List the best compliments you’ve received.
• List 100 things you’re grateful for.
• List the elements of your ideal day.
• List the simple pleasures that make you happy.
• List gifts you would like to receive (in case anyone asks).
• List gifts you would like to give to others.
• List your favourite smells.
• List random acts of kindness you can do for others.
• List people you admire.
• List the most important life lessons you’ve learned.
• List your strengths.
• List your weaknesses and ways to deal with those weaknesses.
• List ways you’re awesome.
• List all the things you would like to improve about yourself (😀we’re all works-in-progress).
• List your positive habits.
• List positive habits you would like to adopt.

Puding Kuning Menyala

 In my early teens I used to write Malay poems every now and then. I adore Malay poems actually and I wrote them as a mean to out-pour my feelings. Young adulthood is frayed with challenges for me anyway. As I get older I tend to disregard this penchant for poems. At that time I was very keenly putting effort to better my English and also putting a lot of effort in Science and Mathematics as the stress on students was at that time. Somehow that interest in writing Malay poems was put in the very back burner and not at all being given any attention even as a pastime.

So today, after a hiatus of maybe fifty years, I wrote one. This one is mainly in Malay but has some English too!

Puding Kuning Menyala

Tanamanku hidup megah

berdiri gagah menyerlah

semakin dibawah matahari tinggi semakin warna berseri

tidak ada takutkan panas terik, tidak ngeri silau merbahaya.

Selagi kau ku jaga seadanya

sedikit air sedikit baja

kau kuning menyala 

hanya dengan menjadi dirimu

pokok biasa saja bukan pokok istimewa 

kau serikan hatiku yang kadangkala duka

yang kadangkala ada lautan kemurungan maha dalam

yang mahu melemaskan aku.

Puding kuning menyala

dengan kata tidak bersuara 

kau ungkapkan ayat-ayat yang terus dapat ku baca

"dalam rencana alam semesta yang teragung 

 setiap hidupan punya bahagian dan fungsinya

 aku dan kau nampak jauh berbeza 

 ada kalanya sering memerlukan satu sama lain

 ada kalanya aku berikan kau sedikit kegembiraan mutlak

 dengan cemerlang kuning warnaku dan terperinci urat-urat daunku

 mempesona kau dan terlupa kau akan dukamu

 ku hembus bara kecil kegembiraanmu yang dulu sering sejuk dan mati

 sebagai batu loncatan untuk kau lebih memahami 

 siapa kita semua di alam semesta ini"

 

My dear yellow Croton

in the grand scheme of things

every life and even every non-living things too

in this absolutely living, breathing Universe

is actually totally united and totally one!

I have things to learn still

I have roads to explore some more 

thank you for your wisdom and your comradeship!

Lessons of 2019

Adieu 2019. There's a little sadness about leaving you. My life is mundane, ordinary. In 2019, I learned a few things. About myself. This humble old self. Mediocre, still full of fears. But definitely growing!

1) My inner being is still chaotic even if I appear calm and collected outwardly. I still have a lot of issues to be resolved. Some of these issues I thought I had resolved but actually I haven't. Some issues I pushed it to some corner of my psyche, thinking it will stay there and not haunt me.

2) I need to learn to quieten the constant chatter of my mind, I need to learn stillness, I need to learn mindfulness. Not that I haven't tried, I did, and often too. I need stronger commitment. It's not easy. Always feel like the next moment, the next day, the next year is always more important than this moment. All I have actually is this moment. Lead an honest, ethical life always and be joyful!

3) Go with the flow of life Zie! Do not wish for it to be any other way, even if it is difficult. Take it easy, surrender. Prepare a bit about the future but do not worry so much about it. I am actually quite a worrier. Used to be an absolute worrier.

4) There is a strong need and desire to explore more about my connection with something bigger than myself, with the universe, with nature, with others. Something that feels enough and that brings positive emotions such as peace, contentment, awe, gratitude and acceptance. To be very frank, religion hasn't enabled me to cultivate that positive state of mind to recognise and incorporate my connection to something larger than myself, something really meaningful and important. In fact there were times when my faith was really tested while I was seeking for that connection.There is a deep yearning in me to surrender to that higher power and I will not give up searching. I need to do this myself.

Made this collage on my birthday, Sept. 28th 2019

Thank you my Lord

• In 2019 and years previously, a lot of people lose their jobs, face a lot of difficulties financially. I was OK. I had enough for me and my furry kids. I had enough to buy most of the books I like. Life was OK. Nothing fancy, nothing luxurious. Little pockets of joy and peace here and there. Material wealth definitely makes life easy, but no guarantor of fulfilment. Fulfilment comes from inside. 
• My left knee is much better. In 2019 there was a lot of improvement. May be because of the supplement Piascledin, may be because I was more compliant with the strengthening exercises, may be there is always that fierce motivation to be independent inside me. Whatever. But it was better, less pain, manageable pain.
• There were epiphanies and nudges you gave me, especially for knowing myself better and for my spiritual growth. They are immensely useful, informative, constructive. Epiphany is really something I need to teach myself to be familiar with. Sometimes it was like a jolt, a sudden knowing, understanding or realising. Sometimes it is a phrase from a book that suddenly clears my mind and an issue is understood in much better perspective. Sometimes recurrent dreams (these are still are being currently examined, they are rather tough 😊) are trying to tell me something about my psyche. Whatever, thank you my Lord!
• My cats are the loves of my life. My nephews and nieces: Atan, Along, Syikin, Usop and their spouses and partners are the loves my life. 

(will update this later 😊, there's so much on my mind, I have trouble organising my thoughts)