Of Hope and Looking Forward to Life

This poem by William Ernest Henley still touches my heart, despite its
miserable tones and its darkness

Today, Thursday 8 June 2017, is the thirteenth day of the fasting month of 2017 and Hijrah 1438. Thank you my Lord that I am still here. This morning, I can get up all by myself, I can walk to the bathroom all by myself and do whatever I need to do all by myself. Those things might seem very trivial, but I realised there are people who cannot do that by themselves. I try my best, everyday, not to forget these little things. I am glad my Lord, that there is a little hope in my heart and there is this little tiny cheerful tune in it too that looks forward to life. A little warm vibration in my soul tells me every life is precious and that each and every one should cherish his or her existence irrespective of how old he or she is, whatever challenges he or she faces. We live in a culture that worships youth and beauty and we make growing old so terrible and unattractive. Being young, slim and beautiful are pinnacles of modern living. I definitely have more wrinkles, more grey hairs and saggy skin now, but, this is a part of my being on this planet and I choose to experience it as graceful as possible. I must not lie that there were times in the past that I too have viewed old age as the end of experiencing joy of being alive. I still remember one of my former bosses who looked down on me because at that time I was in my early fifties and he was 10 years younger than me. Age is indeed just a number. It should be noted that maturity and wisdom do not characterise age. There are a lot of old people who don't seem to grow wiser from whichever perspective and there are a lot of young people who don't make full use of their youths to learn and grow and they are indeed older than old.

Me,through the ages..... 

To be very honest, I appreciate and value myself much better now than when I was much younger. For example, I have stopped beating myself up for making some bad decisions. To reflect upon it, at that point in time, there was just no other alternative or I just lacked the experience to tackle the matter differently or I was just too impulsive as I wanted to resolve the issue ASAP. Of course, when the consequence of that decision was terrible, you just couldn't help blaming yourself for it. But on the other hand, there were times I made wise choices too and I stood my ground when others tried to sway my decisions. Despite my tendency to worry too much about life, I did manage to stay focused and deal with some adversities. Despite all the stress, the depression and the stumbling blocks, tenacity is a virtue that I can easily identify with, thanks a million trillion, my Lord. Whatever character flaws I have, I can count on being tenacious as one of my strengths.

I have also come to terms with all the painful experiences with my adopted mother. I do not feel that much anger with her anymore. The past is past. It shouldn't hinder my presence and my future from any peace and happiness. I take full responsibility for my life and I have chosen to accept those experiences as part of the growth and learning processes. They were painful, no doubt about it, but they also shaped the person that I am today. Would I choose to live those experiences again, given the choice? No, definitely not, never. They were very tough life lessons but they were a part of me and I'm okay with that now. This particular realisation is indeed something huge for me and, my Lord, thank you for softening my heart a little bit. A few years back, I would not have believed that I ever could write this paragraph! 2017 is a good year for me. My learning curve is going up with this acceptance of my past. Something really major actually. There are still a lot things I need to learn about myself. My search continues my Lord.

Thank you too, for giving me the strength and tenacity to take a better care of my health. I have managed to lose about 10 kg in the space of about 4 months, between May and September 2016 and so far after that, I have been able to keep my weight around 58 kg, which is my ideal weight. It was no mean feat though and thank you my Lord for giving me the resolve and determination to stick to better eating habits and some simple exercise routines at home. My blood pressure is much much better and the dosage of the medication is reduced. It can't be denied that losing weight makes you feel better about yourself, in the sense that it does wonders to your self-esteem. However your weight should not increase or decrease your value as a human being. You still possess your own values, characters and personalities whether you're obese or you're anorexic. Obesity is closely linked to many health problems and thus losing weight has valid reasons rather than just for vanity.

This selfie was taken in about 2 weeks ago. I am about
3 months away from my 63rd birthday.

I am looking forward to the future. I work at trying to keep myself as healthy as possible. I hope I still have a lot of healthy, independent years ahead of me.There are always my beloved pets around to love and to care for, many many stray animals to help, still many many places to go, many many books to read, still a million trillion things to ponder about, a lot of questions still unanswered, time yet to be spent with my siblings and my precious nephews, nieces and friends and a lot of efforts still need to be expanded for my self improvements. I am just a humble pensioner, not rich, not clever and nothing much in terms of spectacular achievements. However, the fact that I can find a little joy in my heart, with what little I have and with the ordinariness of my daily existence, I am very very grateful to you my Lord.