Meditating On Sounds

Trying my hands at writing simple poems in English. This is my first.

Of Sounds In The "Now"

I sit comfortably on the wing chair

totally put my weight on the chair, limbs all loose and heavy

I close my eyes, else it compromises what I hear

I hear the whirling of the ceiling fan and the stand fan

feel the cool air circulating around me

oops...... I hear the movement of my kids' flap door

probably my orange boy coming in, too hot outside

and then Adik Comot  is meowing

a motorbike passing by, then another motorbike

there's a distant heavy vehicle 

a  car passing in front of my home, 

another distant vehicle much heavier, much bigger probably

another motorbike, another car some distance away

some bird, maybe a crow, or is it a raven?            

another car, another bike, another bike

another big motorbike, another car, another bird

all the while the whirling of the fans is major

there's the Azan, it's 13.23 hrs...............and so on, and so forth.

Beautiful, warm sounds of life passing all around me

totally, absolutely, no comment, no judgement, no labelling from me

Well, to the best of my ability that is 

(to subdue the mind is like holding onto the rein

of a very energetic young horse)

just letting them pass by me

like debris, flotsam, wreckage in a river 

a little weight is lifted from my heavy heart

even if it is just a matter of minutes.

I realised now

how much I was carried away in the race for targets

achievements, accumulations, possessions,

rushing here rushing there

hurry, hurry, hurry I always need to arrive at destinations

when I arrived, I was flabbergasted

for there are more destinations to be achieved

but I don't even know how I got there

I've totally forgotten about the previous journeys.

Nearby Tam is napping

or is she?

or she too is meditating like me?

she is just a feline

but may be much more profound as a divine entity

nearer to the Lord than I will ever be.

SiBongsu

(Photo snapped this morning)

Ini anakku yang bongsu

rupa dan warna biasa saja namun dimataku penuh sempurna

melebihi comel semua anak-anak lain

baik anak-anak manusia mau pun anak-anak bulus.

Kalau teman-teman yang sama jiwa  

minta untuk aku bercerita tentang kasih sayangku kepada siBongsu ini

maka aku akan bercakap berminit-minit lamanya

penuh fasih, penuh artikulasi, dengan mata bercahaya

begitu begini senyum tiada hentinya

yang adalah anih bagi aku seorang introvert

yang selalunya lebih suka mendengar dari bercerita

Hatiku selalu penuh kehairanan kenapa

mudah untuk ku rasa solidariti, unity, comradeship

dengan species sama siBongsu atau yang sama kategori 

tetapi tidak dengan manusia biasa.

Ku tenung mata siBongsu yang manja

ku rasa geselan nya di kaki

maka ada sentuhan ketuhanan 

yang amat indah dan amat mendalam

untuk ku amati, ku pelajari dan ku fahamkan.

Journaling for Self-Discovery, Resolving Issues and Noting Down Assistance Given by The Lord

Journaling is supposed to be one of the best ways to explore your feelings and work through your limiting beliefs. Some people make it an essential part of their morning routine and many truly believe that it has made an impact on the way they go about their day.

I do journal but I have no routine. I am a sporadic journal writer. There are times when I might be writing my journal the whole day and late into the night, pouring my heart out and often finding something about myself. Then I might leave the journal dormant for three or four days. Then the next two consecutive days I'll be writing, writing, writing.

What did I write in my journal? My wishes, my hopes, my dreams, my prayers. My feelings and emotions about things that happened to me. My amazement at my strengths in some life situations (really I did!). My regrets and my worries. The journal is a tool for me to learn to forgive myself and to accept that some appalling things had to happen for me to heighten my depth as a human being. It is also a record of things that I have learned recently about myself. It helps resolve issues sometimes. At other time, it is like a good listener or maybe a silent watcher. The journal is also a record book of the epiphanies, the nudges, the pushes and the grabbing before the fall from the Lord. It is indeed a book of self-discovery. A discovery that is meaningful to you yourself only,

In journaling, I don't censor myself. I pour my heart out. I am free with my words while accessing my feelings and emotions. It is for myself and nobody else. I even doodle or draw stick people on my journal and sometimes paste pictures onto them if they are motivating to me. I will continue with this pursuit of self-discovery.

The following are some journal prompts which I gather from all over the net. But, honestly, just trust yourself and write what you feel and what is close to your heart. Some of the suggestions are inspirational but others are idiotic in my opinion. Just kidding. Texts in blue are my own comments, just being cheeky 😁. Journaling is for you, so it is up to you. Your intuition will guide you to write what you ought to write, to understand yourself more or to discover your innermost feelings or even to give you inspiration on a certain issue. 

JOURNAL PROMPTS FOR SELF DISCOVERY

Describe exactly what your dream life and future looks like.

What is your ideal daily routine? (Does it really matter, does it have to be ideal?)

Name 5 things that always make you feel better.

What makes you unique? (introverts will find it hard to write about such topics, 

 most introverts, I think, are unassuming and find it difficult to praise themselves)

What did the past year teach you about yourself?

Do you get more energy from being around other people or spending time alone?

(for an introvert, the above question is stupid)

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

What are your core values?

What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?

How do you maintain a loving relationship with yourself?

(the above question is very important to me)

When do you feel the most productive? Why?

What are 10 things you are grateful for?

If no one else’s opinion mattered, what would you do?

What makes you happy?

Describe your perfect morning routine.

(does everything has to be perfect)

What do you believe to be true about yourself? Why?

Do you like taking risks? Why or why not?

What do you deserve?

List 5 things you are really good at.

What does success mean to you?

Describe a past negative experience that ended up helping you grow.

What are your 3 big long-term goals for this year?

What do you love about life?

Describe a moment of serendipity.

(serendipity: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way)

What makes you unhappy?

If you could give advice to yourself 10 years ago, what would it be?

If failure was not an option, what would you do?

Describe your perfect nighttime routine (again, does it have to be perfect)

Does social media inspire you or cause you to compare yourself to others?

What does happiness mean to you?

Who is your support system? How do they help you grow?

In what ways do you hope to grow next year?

List 10 ways that you can simplify your life today.

What healthy boundaries have you set in your life?

List 5 of your most positive traits.

Describe your dream job.

When do you feel most energized? Why?

How would someone who loves you describe you? (how the hell would I know that 😊)

If you could say one thing to the entire world, what would it be?

Write a letter to yourself 10 years from now.

How do you “create your own sunshine”?

Describe your favourite memory.

Who is your biggest inspiration? Why?

List 3 ways that you have invested in yourself over the past 5 years.

How do you want people to remember you? (I just don't care)

What are your 3 top priorities in life right now?

How do you radiate positive energy into the world? (the simplest? Smile!)

About Lists

This is my kind of to-do-yourself book.

This book is about the art (yes art) of using lists to simplify, organise and enrich your life 😁😊. Lists? Yes, lists.

Why list?
There are many reasons to list. Some do it for fun, some do it for business, some do it for resolving issues, some do it for anything, everything. If I'm not sure of anything important, or even anything mundane sometimes, I make a list. I will list up, as honestly as possible, my thoughts on the issue at hand. I would explore my feelings about it and it's an excellent mindfulness exercise. You have to be still and concentrate and searched your psyche. Some lists about myself are really joyful to make but are private, only for my perusal.

Whether we’re writing down healthful goals or just making grocery lists, the benefits are equal:
Reduce anxiety:
Boost your brain power:
Improve focus:
Increase self-esteem:
Organise your thoughts

A LIST OF LISTS 

• Shopping lists
• To-do lists
• Business ideas lists
• Story ideas lists
• Blog ideas lists
• Funny things the kids have said lists
• Things we need to sort out in the house lists
• Wish lists
• Goals, hopes, dreams
• Prayer lists
• Kenduri preparation list
• Bucket Lists
• Should I retire next year? Pros and cons lists
• Reasons to move to KK list
• What to say to someone list (when you have some issues) to make sure you don't get side-tracked or forget anything important

Here, then, are some lists that are fun to make when we’re feeling down

• List your favourite books.
• List the books you want to read.
• List your favourite movies.
• List the movies you want to watch.
• List all the adventures you’ve been on.
• List all the adventures you want to go on.
• List all the countries/cities you’ve been to.
• List all the countries/cities you want to go to.
• List your favourite songs.
• List your favourite people.
• List people who have helped you.
• List people you have helped.
• List your best childhood memories.
• List all the things you know how to do well.
• List the skills you’d like to learn.
• List the problems you’ve solved and the challenges you’ve overcome.
• List the things you loved to do as a child.
• List your favourite meals and desserts.
• List all the foods you would like to try.
• List your best qualities –your best physical and character traits.
• List all your hobbies (past and present).
• List the hobbies you would like to try.
• List ways to de-stress and practise self-care.
• List ways you can step out of your comfort zone.
• List all the goals you’ve achieved.
• List the goals you want to achieve.
• List the things you love about your significant other.
• List things you would like to do with your significant other.
• List the things you love most about your kids.
• List things you would like to do with your kids.
• List your favourite affirmations.
• List what you love to do when it’s time to play.
• List playful activities you would like to try.
• List your favourite things in nature.
• List the natural wonders you would like to visit.
• List things you worried about in the past that never happened.
• List things you need to stop worrying about.
• List the best compliments you’ve received.
• List 100 things you’re grateful for.
• List the elements of your ideal day.
• List the simple pleasures that make you happy.
• List gifts you would like to receive (in case anyone asks).
• List gifts you would like to give to others.
• List your favourite smells.
• List random acts of kindness you can do for others.
• List people you admire.
• List the most important life lessons you’ve learned.
• List your strengths.
• List your weaknesses and ways to deal with those weaknesses.
• List ways you’re awesome.
• List all the things you would like to improve about yourself (😀we’re all works-in-progress).
• List your positive habits.
• List positive habits you would like to adopt.

Puding Kuning Menyala

 In my early teens I used to write Malay poems every now and then. I adore Malay poems actually and I wrote them as a mean to out-pour my feelings. Young adulthood is frayed with challenges for me anyway. As I get older I tend to disregard this penchant for poems. At that time I was very keenly putting effort to better my English and also putting a lot of effort in Science and Mathematics as the stress on students was at that time. Somehow that interest in writing Malay poems was put in the very back burner and not at all being given any attention even as a pastime.

So today, after a hiatus of maybe fifty years, I wrote one. This one is mainly in Malay but has some English too!

Puding Kuning Menyala

Tanamanku hidup megah

berdiri gagah menyerlah

semakin dibawah matahari tinggi semakin warna berseri

tidak ada takutkan panas terik, tidak ngeri silau merbahaya.

Selagi kau ku jaga seadanya

sedikit air sedikit baja

kau kuning menyala 

hanya dengan menjadi dirimu

pokok biasa saja bukan pokok istimewa 

kau serikan hatiku yang kadangkala duka

yang kadangkala ada lautan kemurungan maha dalam

yang mahu melemaskan aku.

Puding kuning menyala

dengan kata tidak bersuara 

kau ungkapkan ayat-ayat yang terus dapat ku baca

"dalam rencana alam semesta yang teragung 

 setiap hidupan punya bahagian dan fungsinya

 aku dan kau nampak jauh berbeza 

 ada kalanya sering memerlukan satu sama lain

 ada kalanya aku berikan kau sedikit kegembiraan mutlak

 dengan cemerlang kuning warnaku dan terperinci urat-urat daunku

 mempesona kau dan terlupa kau akan dukamu

 ku hembus bara kecil kegembiraanmu yang dulu sering sejuk dan mati

 sebagai batu loncatan untuk kau lebih memahami 

 siapa kita semua di alam semesta ini"

 

My dear yellow Croton

in the grand scheme of things

every life and even every non-living things too

in this absolutely living, breathing Universe

is actually totally united and totally one!

I have things to learn still

I have roads to explore some more 

thank you for your wisdom and your comradeship!

Lessons of 2019

Adieu 2019. There's a little sadness about leaving you. My life is mundane, ordinary. In 2019, I learned a few things. About myself. This humble old self. Mediocre, still full of fears. But definitely growing!

1) My inner being is still chaotic even if I appear calm and collected outwardly. I still have a lot of issues to be resolved. Some of these issues I thought I had resolved but actually I haven't. Some issues I pushed it to some corner of my psyche, thinking it will stay there and not haunt me.

2) I need to learn to quieten the constant chatter of my mind, I need to learn stillness, I need to learn mindfulness. Not that I haven't tried, I did, and often too. I need stronger commitment. It's not easy. Always feel like the next moment, the next day, the next year is always more important than this moment. All I have actually is this moment. Lead an honest, ethical life always and be joyful!

3) Go with the flow of life Zie! Do not wish for it to be any other way, even if it is difficult. Take it easy, surrender. Prepare a bit about the future but do not worry so much about it. I am actually quite a worrier. Used to be an absolute worrier.

4) There is a strong need and desire to explore more about my connection with something bigger than myself, with the universe, with nature, with others. Something that feels enough and that brings positive emotions such as peace, contentment, awe, gratitude and acceptance. To be very frank, religion hasn't enabled me to cultivate that positive state of mind to recognise and incorporate my connection to something larger than myself, something really meaningful and important. In fact there were times when my faith was really tested while I was seeking for that connection.There is a deep yearning in me to surrender to that higher power and I will not give up searching. I need to do this myself.

Made this collage on my birthday, Sept. 28th 2019

Thank you my Lord

• In 2019 and years previously, a lot of people lose their jobs, face a lot of difficulties financially. I was OK. I had enough for me and my furry kids. I had enough to buy most of the books I like. Life was OK. Nothing fancy, nothing luxurious. Little pockets of joy and peace here and there. Material wealth definitely makes life easy, but no guarantor of fulfilment. Fulfilment comes from inside. 
• My left knee is much better. In 2019 there was a lot of improvement. May be because of the supplement Piascledin, may be because I was more compliant with the strengthening exercises, may be there is always that fierce motivation to be independent inside me. Whatever. But it was better, less pain, manageable pain.
• There were epiphanies and nudges you gave me, especially for knowing myself better and for my spiritual growth. They are immensely useful, informative, constructive. Epiphany is really something I need to teach myself to be familiar with. Sometimes it was like a jolt, a sudden knowing, understanding or realising. Sometimes it is a phrase from a book that suddenly clears my mind and an issue is understood in much better perspective. Sometimes recurrent dreams (these are still are being currently examined, they are rather tough 😊) are trying to tell me something about my psyche. Whatever, thank you my Lord!
• My cats are the loves of my life. My nephews and nieces: Atan, Along, Syikin, Usop and their spouses and partners are the loves my life. 

(will update this later 😊, there's so much on my mind, I have trouble organising my thoughts)

My Self Portrait 1

This is another list 😄. Characters in novels, fairy tales and films that have really stayed with me. These characters are strong, even if some of them are abused and they go through exploitation and oppression but they rise up at the end. Well, life is about making choices!

Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh books

And here they are................

1. The donkey Eeyore in the Winnie-the-Pooh children books by A. A. Milne. He is generally characterized as a pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, anhedonic, old grey donkey who is a friend of the title character, Winnie-the-Pooh. The fact that it is always slow, gloomy and depressed strikes a chord with me, especially during my tumultuous young adult life and later on when I was struggling with severe depression. I have always considered conquering the depression as the greatest achievement in my life. (Anhedonia: Loss of the capacity to experience pleasure. The inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences. Anhedonia is a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses.)
2. The character Andrew Beckett played by Tom Hanks in the 1993 movie Philadelphia. Hanks played a senior lawyer in a large law firm in Philadelphia. In the movie Beckett is gay and is strickened with AIDS. He however has a very loving and supportive family. Hank won an Academy Award for Best Actor for his role in the film. Is a sad and touching movie loosely based on real events. 
3. Karen Blixen played by Meryl Streep in the 1985 movie Out of Africa. The depiction of a strong woman.
4. The character Francesca Johnson played by Meryl Streep in the 1995 movie The Bridges of Madison County. Here Streep plays the part of a housewife who has a short affair with a National Geographic photographer. She almost leave her husband but in the end decided against it at the last minute.  
5. Gadis Pantai (The Girl From The Coast) in the novel with the same name by Pramoedya Ananta Toer. In the novel this girl is never named and is always referred to as Gadis Pantai. The central character of The Girl from the Coast was based on Pramoedya’s grandmother. This girl, lives with her parents in a fishing village on the coast of Java. When she is fourteen, word of her beauty reaches the local bendoro, a Javanese aristocrat in the service of the Dutch colonial overlords. The nobleman sends word to her family that she is to become his wife. Filled with hope for their daughter’s future, her mother and father agree to have her married in a ceremony in which the groom is absent and is represented by a dagger. The parents accompany their child to the great man’s house in the city. There, they find a disturbing omen of their daughter’s future. A servant is caring for a baby, the child of a previous wife who had been divorced and dismissed at the bendoro’s whim. Even reading this book at a young age, I find the bendoro's attitude towards women totally disgusting. 
6. Jean Louise Finch or Scout Finch. The narrator and protagonist of the book To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Scout is about six at the beginning of the novel. She is a tomboy and is a very intelligent child. She is advanced in her reading capacity even before she goes to school. She lives in Maycomb with her father Atticus, her brother Jem and their black housekeeper Calpurnia.
7. The servant girl Lin in the 1964 Malay movie Rumah Itu Dunia Aku based on the novel of the same name by Hamzah Hussin. The character was played by the beautiful and gentle actress Latifah Omar. It's about a young girl who is a servant in a wealthy household. 
8. The character Poniem in the novel Merantau Ke Deli by Hamka. Poniem is a beautiful and hard-working woman of Javanese descent who falls in love and marries Leman who is of Minang descent. This is a story about the social issue of marriage between different ethnic groups, each with very strong ties to "adat" or custom. Poniem is oppressed by Leman when he takes a second wife of his own ethnic group. Later on he divorced her. I wrote a post in BM about this novel dated 23 Nov. 2016.

To be continued.................