Lessons of 2019

Adieu 2019. There's a little sadness about leaving you. My life is mundane, ordinary. In 2019, I learned a few things. About myself. This humble old self. Mediocre, still full of fears. But definitely growing!

1) My inner being is still chaotic even if I appear calm and collected outwardly. I still have a lot of issues to be resolved. Some of these issues I thought I had resolved but actually I haven't. Some issues I pushed it to some corner of my psyche, thinking it will stay there and not haunt me.

2) I need to learn to quieten the constant chatter of my mind, I need to learn stillness, I need to learn mindfulness. Not that I haven't tried, I did, and often too. I need stronger commitment. It's not easy. Always feel like the next moment, the next day, the next year is always more important than this moment. All I have actually is this moment. Lead an honest, ethical life always and be joyful!

3) Go with the flow of life Zie! Do not wish for it to be any other way, even if it is difficult. Take it easy, surrender. Prepare a bit about the future but do not worry so much about it. I am actually quite a worrier. Used to be an absolute worrier.

4) There is a strong need and desire to explore more about my connection with something bigger than myself, with the universe, with nature, with others. Something that feels enough and that brings positive emotions such as peace, contentment, awe, gratitude and acceptance. To be very frank, religion hasn't enabled me to cultivate that positive state of mind to recognise and incorporate my connection to something larger than myself, something really meaningful and important. In fact there were times when my faith was really tested while I was seeking for that connection.There is a deep yearning in me to surrender to that higher power and I will not give up searching. I need to do this myself.

Made this collage on my birthday, Sept. 28th 2019

Thank you my Lord

• In 2019 and years previously, a lot of people lose their jobs, face a lot of difficulties financially. I was OK. I had enough for me and my furry kids. I had enough to buy most of the books I like. Life was OK. Nothing fancy, nothing luxurious. Little pockets of joy and peace here and there. Material wealth definitely makes life easy, but no guarantor of fulfilment. Fulfilment comes from inside. 
• My left knee is much better. In 2019 there was a lot of improvement. May be because of the supplement Piascledin, may be because I was more compliant with the strengthening exercises, may be there is always that fierce motivation to be independent inside me. Whatever. But it was better, less pain, manageable pain.
• There were epiphanies and nudges you gave me, especially for knowing myself better and for my spiritual growth. They are immensely useful, informative, constructive. Epiphany is really something I need to teach myself to be familiar with. Sometimes it was like a jolt, a sudden knowing, understanding or realising. Sometimes it is a phrase from a book that suddenly clears my mind and an issue is understood in much better perspective. Sometimes recurrent dreams (these are still are being currently examined, they are rather tough 😊) are trying to tell me something about my psyche. Whatever, thank you my Lord!
• My cats are the loves of my life. My nephews and nieces: Atan, Along, Syikin, Usop and their spouses and partners are the loves my life. 

(will update this later 😊, there's so much on my mind, I have trouble organising my thoughts)