On Being Grateful

The API reading for Port Klang is again in the hundred plus this morning. It was 136 at 8.00 am. After a number of days of less smoky sky the haze is back. I can feel the smokiness and the heaviness of the air. I am not asthmatic and yet the discomfort is irritatingly felt. Perhaps because I am a senior citizen too. A fact that I tend to forget a lot of the time. In my mind, I always feel much younger. Anyway, feeling younger or not, I celebrated my 61th birthday recently ha ha ha. A 61-year old senior citizen with a youngish mind. My nephew A and his wife took me out to dinner at our usual seaside eatery. They were commenting that I look happy and healthy for a 61-year old. The fact is I just came back from Hanoi for a short holiday with my travel gang. Had a great time there. Some photos from the trip at the bottom.

Well, happiness to me is a choice. A lot of things makes us feel uncertain, nervous and cautious nowadays. The haze is very irritating. Everything is more expensive. Money is like water flowing away very fast. Our currency is depreciating and the economy is definitely not healthy. The country is helmed by a very questionable leader with his own troupe of clowns and jesters. The future is uncertain.

Such thoughts about the future can be indeed very depressing. Nowadays I tried to wake up early everyday even though I do not need to. The quiet and stillness of early morning is very spiritual. I try to do some simple mindfulness exercises. Mostly breathing exercises and also some exercises for my knees. I voice out positive affirmations to kindle and kick start my psyche into positive mood for the day. Honestly it can be easy to be drawn into the negative mood sometimes. When things do not work out the way we wanted them to be or when we are disappointed because we do not get something we really want. Every morning after saying the affirmations I make a habit of listing things that I am thankful for. There are always good things in our lives, if only we stop and think about it.

I cursed and complained a lot when Port Klang's API reading nearly touched 400 last time. It was stuffy, heavy, smoky, choking air all around. I was stuck in the house all day, with doors and windows closed. I was even worried for my three cats. They are smaller in size and the air is not healthy for them to inhale. Mickey and Tam looked okay but Comot was coughing every now and then. Then I heard and read about API readings in Riau and Jambi in Sumatra. There were days when it was over 1000, some days above 800 and on good days perhaps at 400. Over 1000? How do people breathe in that kind of air? Made me realise how much worse the situation was in Riau than in Port Klang. I should have been thankful that Port Klang's API did not reach even 400.

A positive mind, a sensible degree of self-esteem, a sense of worthiness as an individual is very very important in life. There were times when I felt my life as a pensioner is very routine and monotonous. Some people also commented on the lack of spontaneity in my life. But is it bad to have routines? A life of too much unpredictability will definitely not suit me at all. I am a stickler for punctuality, I like certain things to be in order, I like to know things thoroughly before I make decisions and I adore being knowledgeable about a lot of things. So routines are quite okay with me.

I am very grateful for my life now. Humble though it may be, but I enjoy it. One of the privilege of being old is that you tend to care less about what people say. If the fact that I am single, I live alone, I do not wear the head scarf  and I tend to dress tomboyishly make people think I am weird and eccentric, that is okay with me. After all most very talented and very intelligent  people are weird and eccentric. If people pity me because I am single and they think that nobody will take care of me when I am very old and frail, that is okay too. Because nobody really knows what will happen in future. You might have many children but still they might not be able to take care of you even if they are willing too. I have been through many things in life, the ups and downs. More the downs I think. I am very glad that there is always a fighting spirit in me that drives me to stand up for myself when I am down. After all, life is really about making choices. To the very best that I can, I live my life one day at a time and I always try to live in the present. People can say anything they like. What do they know? I fight my own battles and I do not need their approval.

I am thankful to be alive and healthy at 61. There are health issues but nothing that I cannot tackle. I am definitely not rich, in fact I am a little poor, but I can still afford to take care of myself and my three cats reasonably well. I supposed I know myself a little better nowadays, but still there are lots and lots more for me to find out. I am always curious about things and I intend to find out more. The universe is such a humongously huge space with billions and billions of galaxies and here I am, such a very minuscule collection of vibrating atoms that make up my humble self and yet how magical and elegant that is. There is so much out there to think about and to wander!