Hari Raya 1439H/2018

I spent a short time with my family in KK this Raya.

The latest grandchild, Hariss Aidan, with his parents and
and his grand-dad.

This is Max, one of my nephew's guard dogs at the chicken
farm. Max, I think, is a crossbreed between a Doberman
with something else. He's a gentle giant, very loving and
very, very adorable. Love you totally Max!

Selamat Hari Raya everyone. This Raya I have a new
challenge. I am determined to tackle my challenge.

Listening To Your Inner Introvert

Fourth day of fasting month. No write-up today. Just copy and paste from a newspaper article.
This is an old article from The Star which I stumbled upon while searching for more info about introversion. Part of my search of me or moi as the French says it.

My comments, especially pertaining to my experience as an introvert child in primary school, are in blue at the bottom.

The Star > Features Home > Lifestyle > Features
Saturday, 2 June 2012 | MYT 12:00 AM


Listen To Your Inner Introvert
BY LOUISA LIM

Charles Darwin took solitary walks and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak claims he never would have become such an expert if he left the house. These and other geniuses show that sitting still and keeping quiet may be the best trick you’ll ever learn.

FOR the longest time, Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking, felt that she had to fake it to make it.

“I keep getting the message that somehow my introverted style of being is not the right way to go, that I should be trying to pass as an extrovert,” she said at a recent TED conference (one of two global annual talks that bring together experts in the fields of technology, entertainment, and design).

Recalling an early childhood trip to summer camp, Cain tells the audience how she had taken her books along with her. But when she got to “Camp Rowdie”, she was ridiculed for reading her books and not having enough camp spirit. So she went book-less for the rest of the summer.

“I always sensed deep down that this was wrong, and that introverts are excellent. For years, I denied this intuition so I became a Wall Street lawyer instead of the writer that I always longed to be, to prove to myself that I could be bold and assertive. I went to crowded bars when I preferred to have a nice dinner with friends,” she says.

Cain made self-negating choices so reflexively that she stopped realising she was making them. Until seven years ago.

“I realised that groups famously follow the opinions of the most dominant or charismatic person in the room, even though there’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas,” she says.

So she wrote a book.

Quiet is the result of seven years of reading, researching, thinking. It is a fascinating, well-researched book that opens with a moving account of civil rights activist and notable introvert Rosa Parks (who, in 1955, famously sat in the “whites only” section of a public bus and helped fuel the black rights movement in the United States), and an interesting question to ponder: “Why shouldn’t quiet be strong?”

But make no mistake: Cain doesn’t preach. Rather, she describes real-life examples and personal experiences in crystal clear prose, and draws on the latest findings in psychology and neuroscience, to shine a light on the bias against introverts.

We are living in a world in which schools, workplaces, and religious institutions are designed for extroverts, she states.

“Most schools and workplaces now organise workers and students into groups, believing that creativity and productivity comes from an oddly gregarious place,” she says in an interview in Scientific American magazine.

If the latest research is right and one out of every two or three people we know are introverts, the “Groupthink” approach that’s fixated on teamwork, open-plan offices and the wisdom of crowds could have far-reaching effects. And in Cain’s opinion, that’s not a good thing.

Is silence golden?

We’re all inured to the 21st century cult of self-expression. The rise of Facebook and Twitter demonstrates that most people believe nothing in the world deserves to be heard more than the thoughts drifting across their frontal cortex. Introversion, it seems, is a quality best suited to spineless geeks – and the occasional creep. But here’s the thing: introverts do prefer quiet conversations with a few close friends and plenty of alone time, but not because they resent or fear people and are quietly planning the imminent demise of their enemies.

“Introversion is really about having a preference for lower stimulation environments. So it’s just a preference for less noise, less action. Extroverts, on the other hand, really crave more stimulation in order to feel at their best,” explains Cain in an earlier interview, adding that most people have the misconception that introversion is about being antisocial or arrogant.

Self-confessed introvert Noorazlina Abdullah, 32, can certainly relate to being negatively judged.

“People tend to think I’m a snob. They say, ‘Eh, sombongnya budak ini’ (she’s so stuck up), but really, I’ve always kept to myself since I was young,” she says, adding that in secondary school, the popular kids were always extroverts.

Nothing much has changed, despite her teachers’ best efforts to encourage her to speak up in class. Now an editor, Noorazlina says she chose a profession that allows her to do what she does best – work behind the scenes. She dreads public speaking and presentations, and avoids both whenever possible. But none of that stops her from being good at her job

Aloof writer Steven James, 32, is also an introvert. However, James, who likes to “read books by obscure American authors and watch existential films” at home on a free day, put these habits aside for a while in an effort to be more outgoing.

“I used to go clubbing with my friends, but I found it rather boring. The DJs never played the kind of music I liked and I didn’t have anything in common with the people I meet. Soon, I realised it was an exercise in futility,” he says.

With only a few close friends to talk to these days, James vents his feelings through music by writing and playing the blues.

Not surprisingly, psychologists Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (professor of psychology and management at Claremont Graduate University) and Gregory Feist (associate professor of psychology at San Jose State University) suggest that the most creative people in many fields are usually introverts, wrote Cain in an article for the New York Times. They claim that solitude is a crucial and underrated ingredient to creativity.

Cain cites brainstorming sessions as an example. Pioneered by a charismatic advertising executive named Alex Osborn, this practise has been wildly popular in corporate America since the 1950s. However, 40 years of research shows that brainstorming in groups is a terrible way to produce creative ideas. Says Cain: “The organisational psychologist Adrian Furnham puts it pretty bluntly: ‘Evidence from science suggests that business people must be insane to use brainstorming groups. If you have talented and motivated people, they should be encouraged to work alone when creativity or efficiency is the highest priority.’”

Cain adds, “Darwin took long walks in the woods and turned down dinner invitations, Dr Seuss wrote alone, and was afraid of meeting the kids who read his books for fear they would be disappointed at how quiet he was. (Apple co-founder) Steve Wozniak claimed he never would have become such an expert if he left the house. Indeed, most major religions have seekers, Buddha, Jesus, each went into the wild to learn.”

In short, no “wilderness” (actual or metaphorical), no revelation.

According to Psychologies Magazine, introverts are also deep thinkers. This is based on a research by the co-founder of business-psychology firm ML Consulting, Gillian Rankin, which highlights that introverts think before they speak and develop their ideas quietly, by reflection. This means they tend to be good listeners and have a depth of concentration.

In an article for Time magazine, Cain writes, “It’s no accident that introverts get better grades than extroverts – they know more about most academic subjects and win a disproportionate number of Phi Beta Kappa keys and (US) National Merit Scholarship finalist positions – even though their IQ scores are no higher.”

But for all their natural gifts, introverts tend to go unnoticed in what the magazine calls “The Age of The Hard Sell”.

Accountant Emily Chin, 29, says that, as an introvert, she has to work harder to get ahead in the workplace.

“I think life is ultimately more difficult for us because a lot of contacts are made through socialising and networking,” says Chin. “But for those who don’t enjoy networking, they have only their skills and hard work to fall back on. Even then, all that might go unnoticed if you don’t know the right way to market yourself.”

Chin isn’t voicing an irrational fear. At school, extrovert students are considered ideal even though introvert students get better grades. And according to Cain, introverts are routinely passed over for leadership roles in the corporate world.

“That’s a real problem because research has shown that, as leaders, introverts are more careful, much less likely to take outsized risks, and are more likely to let creative and proactive team members run with their own ideas, rather than run over them or squash them – something that should be an ideal trait in the modern office,” she says.

She points out that history and science have proven that people who like to be alone have been key innovators and leaders. Mahatma Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Sir Isaac Newton were all introverts, and so are many of today’s business leaders, from Douglas Conant of Campbell Soup to Larry Page at Google.

And if last year’s media storm surrounding Charlie Sheen’s “winning” ways proves anything, it’s that shutting up has its advantages. Moreover, Wall Street’s financial collapse of 2008 and disasters like Enron would also never have occurred, writes Cain, if people had listened more to their inner introvert.

Sync or sink

This brings us back to the main line of the argument: the pitfalls of the New Groupthink. When future Warren Buffets are stifled, it’s not just them who suffer, but society as a whole.

“It’s never a good idea to organise society in a way that depletes the energy of half the population. We discovered this with women decades ago, and now it’s time to realise it with introverts,” says Cain.

This isn’t to say we should shun collaboration and a strong team spirit. If Steve Wozniak had not collaborated with Steve Jobs, there would be no Apple, explains Cain in her book. However, it’s important to recognise that introverts like Wozniak need more space and privacy to do their work. Says Cain: “Offices need chatty conversations, and great spaces to make serendipitous interactions. But we also need much more privacy, and more autonomy. The same is true – more true – for schools. Yes, teach kids to work together, but also how to work alone.”

In other words, introverts can’t afford to retire to a cave and live like hermits. To establish valuable relationships, as well as earn a living, it is necessary to function well with others. It is here that the introverts are at a disadvantage: although they are not necessarily shy – shyness is a separate social anxiety – they often find social situations draining and struggle with small talk.

But while scientists have begun to learn that the introverted or extroverted temperament seems strongly inborn and inherited, Dr Goh Chee Leong is living proof that introverts can break free from the stereotypes that define them.

“Contrary to popular belief, being introverted does not automatically mean that you can’t socialise or connect with people or work in a career that requires you to do so. You don’t have to be a prisoner to your personality,” he says.

A reserved person by nature, Dr Goh is speaking from experience. He grew up as a quiet child, preferring books and movies to socialising. These days, however, his role as vice-president of the Malaysian Psychological Association requires him to have great oratory skills and occasionally give public speeches in front of hundreds of people.

In his opinion, introversion and extroversion aren’t fixed categories, but two opposite ends along the same continuum. It is possible to move along this continuum, getting more introverted or extroverted, as one gets older.

Chin, for instance, says solitude has helped her get over the death of both her parents several years ago. “I think I’m getting increasingly comfortable being by myself, but my boyfriend, a real extrovert, balances me out,” she says.

Although many people get more introverted with age, Dr Goh has some advice for them: “Introverts can be good with people. If you’re not one of them, just remember that you can develop your people skills without changing the essence of who you are.”

Ultimately, he says, it’s important for both introverts and extroverts to appreciate the differences between one another.

Chin agrees. “If everyone was alike, the world would be a very dull place indeed!” she says.

For her, having a content for the few real friends matter more than having a few hundred acquaintances. “I’m happy the way I am,” says Chin. “I think all introverts make a conscious decision to be the way they are. I know I do. I don’t envy or resent extroverts nor do I have the desire to be one of them.”

And aspiring author and famously social networker Tom Chalfant shows that, sometimes, it could very well be the other way around, with extroverts envying introverts. In his blog, he writes about introverts on Facebook: “I like the quiet people. They are out there, watching and reading and thinking. Smiling or frowning. Considering what’s before them. I like their careful consideration and envy their restraint. I know they are out there, because once in a blue moon they click ‘like’ – that’s about as loud as they get – and then they dart off again.”

Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain is currently available at major bookstores nationwide.

Read more at http://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/features/2012/06/02/listen-to-your-inner-introvert/#cTKxyvMBGu48V6IQ.99

As written above and also from my own personal experience, in schools teachers tend to favour the extroverts. Those who can easily or "joyfully" participate in group activities. Those who can easily sing or dance or act in front of everybody else. I remember suffering inwardly if a teacher asks me to sing or dance in some activities. It felt like time stands still. I was miserable and I just very much loathed the exercise. Once I was forced to enter a "pakaian beragam" in some sort of a school concert when I was in standard two. I dreaded the event. It was simply torture, a severe sentence for an introvert kid. My legs felt like lead as I walked on the stage in front of all the parents, looking down all the time. However, I am OK with public speaking. Give me time to research my subject (even as a kid, I would ask around) and I will try my best to give a good content for my speech. Especially if it is an individual presentation. I will put a lot of effort in ensuring a superb content. It would also be OK if a teacher had asked me to come forward and tell my classmates about a story book I have read, which they never did. Generally teachers are always trying to push the introverts, to express themselves, not to be shy, not to be quiet. It is not shyness actually. Some of my teachers missed the fact that I would always put up my hand to answer questions in quizzes they conducted, because I knew most of the answers, despite the fact I was quiet at lesson times. Some also missed the fact that I would be engrossed in subjects that I was interested in and I was interested in most of the subjects. Subjects I hated in primary school: physical education and arts class. Even the "Ugama" lesson was OK, because the Ustaz was friendly and kind. In primary school, I enjoyed my lessons and academically, I almost always top the class. Not to forget, there were also a handful of teachers who really cared about their pupils too, introverts or otherwise. I salute them!

As written above, the popular kids in school are most always the extroverts. As written above too, the introvert kids do not envy their counterparts, neither do they wish to be one of them. They are OK with themselves. They do not need attention or admiration. In a lot of cases they despise attention. They just want their teachers and other adults in their lives to refrain from stereotyping them as dull and not talented, not really appreciated, just tolerated. Sometimes the introverted child is considered a disappointment. Especially if the parents' personality is opposite his or hers. My adopted mother often described me as a "kongkang" which means sloth in Malay. It is a belittling, derogatory term actually 😢.

To this day, I still struggle with small talk and I still find social situations draining. My energy gets quickly depleted in very noisy situation or if there is too much stimulation around. As a kid, my idea of fun was being with my best friend Normah, wandering around the semak or belukar around the village where we lived, picking wild jambu or buah letup or terung belanda which grew wild all over the place. Otherwise we would be lying in the hammock underneath her house or my house reading story books, exchanging thought about the characters in our thin newsprint story books. Which King is benevolent, which princess marry the handsome prince or is the Queen really a Queen or a nenek kebayan. Or we would do our homework together. We walked to school together, a distance of about one kilometre, passing through kampung houses along a small path overgrown with weeds and grasses on both sides. We had good conversations along the way. From time to time, I would pour my heart out, telling Normah the unhappiness of my adopted parents' marriage. I would be talkative with her which was very unlike me when I was among a lot other kids. Normah was never judgmental. Like me, she too was a good listener.

I am a strong introvert and partly I am an empath. That being said, however, I also know that I cannot live in a cave. I don't want to live in a cave as I love modern amenities too much 😊 and I adore my close friends and family members. I tell myself that most people, extroverts included, are genuine people despite appearing superficial or having a hidden motive. Their need for stimulation make them appear such. So I tried to smile more, give people my full attention whenever I need to, like situations in the job place. If I find someone's loud nature or intrusive questioning very irritating, I tell myself probably they too find my quiet nature very exasperating, even if it puzzles me, why is that so. I really cannot escape all social situations and I cannot always be with my few close friends only. I too believe, however strong your introversion or extroversion is, you can still move along the spectrum of your personality, albeit within a limit, to find a good balance in your career, relationships and family life.


Definition of empath (noun) 
1) someone who is highly sensitive to the feelings and experiences of someone else despite not having gone through the same situations.
2) chiefly in science fiction, a person with the paranormal ability to perceive the mental and
emotional state of another individual.

This illustration is not quite complete, in my opinion, as there are no pets or animals in it.

Note To My Grand-Nephew

Dear Harris,
By the time you are able to read this, I might or might not still be around. I like to think that I will be healthy and independent and still be around to see you grow up. Only the Lord knows that and I am OK with whatever he has in store for me. I hope the Malaysian education system will be revamped properly enough by the new Pakatan Harapan government, so that you will be able to speak and write at least English by the time you are a young teenager. Hopefully you can even speak another international language, may be Mandarin, Japanese, French or Spanish. Of course if you go to an international school, you will speak very good English. The only issue is that it is very very expensive.

First and foremost, let me introduce myself. I am your Atah Nyah. I am your great aunt. Your mum is my niece and your grand-dad, maternal side, is my younger brother. You were born on 27th April 2018 at 8.57pm. It was a day before the nomination day for the country's 14th General Election. By the next month, the six-decade long governing by the Barisan Nasional crumbles and was taken over by the coalition of opposition known as Pakatan Harapan. According to your mum, it wasn't an easy birth, as she had to endure 14 hours of labour. Wow..... something isn't? Whatever it is we are all very happy that you are here and you and your mum are both doing fine. At this juncture, you're the second grandchild of the family and you have a four-year old female cousin, Zara Azalea or Princess Yaya. Another cousin is expected in September, being Princess Yaya's younger brother or sister. That is on your mum's side. On your dad's side, I think you already have quite a number of cousins.

That is you, in the arms of your Ayah Long. Probably just a few hours
after you were born. The little girl is your cousin Yaya.

Your Atah Nyah will be 64 in four months time. Hmmm........ 😊 quite old  isn't it? I am retired from the Civil Service. I am single, a bit weird and a bit eccentric. I lived on my own with my three cats in a little house at the mouth of a river in Port Klang. Your Atah Nyah is a strong introvert, socially awkward and a bit of a reclusive. I love animals and I am an empath where animal suffering is concerned. I immensely feel their pain. My great hope is that you too will grow up to be an animal lover yourself, just like your mum and your Ayah Long.

I will keep this post short. Perhaps I will write other notes to you as you grow up.

Love,
Atah Nyah
17th May 2018
(you're 20 days old today)

Letter to Mum

Mum,

Today is Thursday, May 17th, the first day of the fasting month 2018. Every time Ramadhan is here I miss you so very much, even though it's been 13 years that you have left us.

I am always praying that you're peaceful and happy, Mum. I don't know what it is like in the after life. Is it like what we're experiencing in this world or is it a certain level of consciousness that perhaps is difficult to be understood by mortals. May be perhaps the after life is just another dimension which is sharing the same physical space in the universe as our living world. That is why, at times, I talk to you. I can't dismiss the feeling that you're watching over me from time to time.

There is always this concern I have. That perhaps you're not peaceful and tranquil there because you're worried about me. That you think I am still unhappy and miserable as a result of being abused by my adopted mother.

I am okay, Mum, I am doing fine actually. My life is routine and rather monotonous but I am okay with it. Been almost five years that I have been retired. I will be 64 this coming September. I am generally healthy albeit one or two health issues at bay. Done the TKR on my right knee about five years ago. The other knee might have to be operated too. I am really praying I do not have to do the surgery once again, but lets just wait and see. I have been taking better care of myself these past two years. I have lost weight and I am off the hypertension medication.

Happiness is a subjective things. Different people associate happiness with totally different things. Nowadays, every morning, upon waking up, I just thank the Lord for a new day and for another chance to live my life again. To me that is happiness. Even if there is pain in my left knee, for example, I am still grateful that I can still walk, I can still drive, I can take care of myself, my pets, my home. I am still very much independent. That is happiness. I can find a lot of pleasure in reading, I can still write, although rather badly is happiness too. I make a habit of treasuring the little things in my life.

Me, hanging out with my best friends about a month ago

Gone are days when I was always sad and melancholy during that depression period. Took me years Mum, but at last the Lord gives me this little nook of light and warmth in the deepest corner of my heart, just a tiny one. Of having the ability to find pleasure in living as well as the ability to pass through period of despair and yet be able to bounce back. Nowadays, I am able to look back at the pain from my adopted mother's abuse as an experience that expands my learning curve.

Another important thing, Mum. I am no longer angry or having vindictive emotions with one or two men, whom I loved before and who terribly betrayed me. It was a lesson, an experience. It made me stronger, better. If they are happy now, good for them. If they are unhappy now, well, they have to deal with their choices. I am over them. The truth of the matter is they were not good for me. Being single has a lot of challenges, but then so is being married. It's just how you look at it and how you tackle it. I would love to have a companion now as life is rather lonely. But if I have one, it is someone who treasures me dearly, who respects and cares deeply about me and someone whom I respect and treasures dearly too. I made some bad choices before and I have learnt from them.

So all things considered I am okay, Mum.
Love you very much Mum.

Sincerely,
Your Only Daughter

Harris Aidan in the arms of his grand-dad.

PS : Kin gave birth to a baby boy on April 27th. Your 12th great-grandchild is named Harris Aidan (photo above).

Port Klang Wet Market

Yesterday I went to the wet market in my town. Actually I needed some cash and I went to the Maybank cash machine. Since I was already there and the kids' fish ration is finished I might as well go to the wet market. Usually I buy their fish at the grocery stores near my home. The market is about five-minutes walk from the bank. Port Klang has the small town feel, even though actually it is just 38 km from the capital city.

The market (Pasar Awam Pelabuhan Kelang) is situated in a dilapidated building along Jalan Sungai Aur. Just like Port Klang town itself, the market has that disreputable, derelict air about it. Of something old and decrepit that has not been well taken care off. Something struggling to survive, like an old frail person battling chronic inflammation all over his body. There are a lot of empty lots especially at the fish stalls. The food court next to it is almost deserted. There are signs everywhere that it is a hard time and many people are struggling, the traders themselves, as well as the people who come to shop there. I think my hometown Kuala Kangsar has a much more bustling wet market.

Old town like Port Klang has its own charm, despite its untidiness and its broken-down bits here and there. I have been staying in Bandar Sultan Suleiman, which is about 7 km away for the past 20 years. Port Klang is my town now, it is where my home is and will be, god willing,  for a long time. Even though my siblings and my nephew and nieces have been urging me time and time again to move back to KK, to be near them, I am still reluctant. My heart is just not into it.

Stopping By Rebecca Once Again

One the many covers

My very beloved dog-eared copy of the
simplified Rebecca

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier is one of my evergreen favourite book. First read it when I was in my early teens back in JB. Of course in its simplified version. I was at that time a gawky, shy, rather impressionable teenager, struggling to master the English language. The protagonist of that novel is a shy, naive, self-conscious 21-year-old bride of the wealthy Maxim de Winter who owns one of the stately home in England called Manderley. Her timidity and shyness strike a chord with the awkward introverted teenager in me at that time. Have read the novel for the umpteenth time.

To me, Rebecca is about the coming of age, becoming your own person, strong as well as timid female characters, the psychopath and narcissistic personality traits, unquestioned acceptance of murder, a selfish husband, dishonest love, life of the English upper class and the grandeur of a much-loved stately home.

I bought my own copy of the simplified Rebecca somewhere in mid-1990 in a bookshop in Pasar Seni in KL. The copy is the same with the one I first read when I was 13 or 14. It cost me RM6.90 then.The publisher Heinemann had reproduced the book in its simplified version for the upper level in which the simplification takes about 2200 words in 126 pages.


Plot Summary of Rebecca

Rebecca's narrative takes the form of a flashback. The heroine, who remains nameless, lives in Europe with her husband, Maxim de Winter, travelling from hotel to hotel, harbouring memories of a beautiful home called Manderley, which, we learn, has been destroyed by fire. The story begins with her memories of how she and Maxim first met, in Monte Carlo, years before.and In her flashback, the heroine is working as the young travelling companion to a wealthy American named Mrs. Van Hopper. In her flashback, Maxim is staying at the same hotel as the heroine and her employer, and after knowing the heroine for only a few weeks, he proposes marriage. She accepts, and he marries her and takes her back to his ancestral estate of Manderley. But a dark cloud hangs over their marriage: Maxim's first wife, Rebecca, drowned in a cove near Manderley the previous year, and her ghost haunts the newlyweds' home. Rebecca's devoted housekeeper, the sinister Mrs. Danvers, is still in charge of Manderley, and she frightens and intimidates her new mistress. Despite the encouragement of the house overseer, Frank Crawley, and Maxim's sister, Beatrice, the heroine struggles in her new life at Manderley. She feels that she can never compare favourably to Rebecca, who was beautiful, talented, and brilliant--or so everyone says--and soon she feels that Maxim is still in love with his dead wife.

Manderley traditionally hosts a costume ball each year, and it is soon time for the gala to take place. Swept up in the preparations, the heroine's spirits begin to revive. But the ball ends in disaster: on Mrs. Danvers' suggestion she wears a costume that, it turns out, is the same dress that Rebecca wore at the last ball. Upon seeing the heroine, Maxim is horrified, and the heroine becomes convinced that he will never love her, that he is still devoted to Rebecca. The following day, Mrs. Danvers almost convinces her to kill herself, and she only breaks away from the old woman's spell when rockets go off over the cove, signalling that a ship has run aground. When divers swim near the grounded ship, they find the wreckage of Rebecca's sailboat, with Rebecca's dead body in the hold. This discovery prompts Maxim to tell the heroine the truth: Rebecca was a malevolent, wicked woman, who lived a secret life and carried on multiple affairs, including one with her cousin, Jack Favell. On the night of her death, Maxim had demanded a divorce, and she had refused, and told him that she was pregnant with Favell's child. Furious, he seized a gun and shot her, and then sailed out to the harbour in Rebecca's boat and sank it, with the body stowed safely inside.

This revelation restores the heroine's marriage, and enables her to finally shake off the burden of Rebecca's ghost. Meanwhile, however, the noose of justice tightens around Maxim: first, it is found that holes have been drilled in the bottom of Rebecca's boat; luckily the coroner delivers a report of suicide, rather than murder. But soon Rebecca's cousin Favell, certain that Rebecca did not kill herself, accuses Maxim of the crime. The local magistrate, Colonel Julyan, investigates, and finds that on the day of her death, Rebecca went up to London to see a Doctor Baker. Favell, Maxim, and the heroine accompany Julyan to London; the heroine is certain that Baker will reveal that Rebecca was pregnant, thus revealing Maxim's vengeful motive for murder. But instead, it turns out that Rebecca was dying of cancer, and that furthermore she was infertile; she had lied to Maxim about her pregnancy. Her terminal illness now supplies a motive for Rebecca's supposed suicide, and Maxim is saved. He and the heroine drive all night back to Manderley, stopping only once, when Maxim calls home and learns that Mrs. Danvers has disappeared. As they crest the ridge near the mansion, they look down and find it in flames.

The Bookshelf

All my adult life, I have always wanted a proper bookshelf for all my books. As I grow older and reading becomes more and more an integral part of my daily life, my wanting a proper bookshelf becomes more ardent. I would be dreaming about them after leafing through interior decoration magazines. Of course the bookshelves in the interior magazines come together with a proper study or reading room.

So, what took me so long to get a proper bookshelf and some sort of a reading room? Until late 2017 that is. I was always thinking, never mind, maybe later, there would be time. Many other more important things to focus on. When I was young, I was renting and sharing accommodation with others. Did not have many books at that time. Did not have much possessions either actually. I was just a humble civil servant. Life was about settling down as an individual, being independent, earning my own income, contributing some money to my family, filling up my time with useful activities. Also trying to find my identity in the workplace too. Bought a house in my early-thirties but I never really got down to properly furnishing it. There were just other more important things to look into. So I bought ready-made bookcases for my books. When I began to have more and more books, I resorted to keeping them in plastic boxes, placing them under the staircase, under the bed and even out on the porch beside where I park my car. Time passes and soon I found I was near retiring. Thought of building the bookshelf but then the house was already in a state of disrepair. How can I just build the bookshelf without repairing the house first. Just wait lah.

The house by that time was needing major repairs. I must admit I am quite a procrastinator in some areas of my life. I kept postponing the repair works because, honestly, I found it very stressful. Even the action of calling a contractor and asking for a quotation was quite tiring for me. With the Ringgit being badly depreciated everything becomes very expensive. I began to have very bad headaches during the negotiations. But, like it or not, I had no choice but to proceed with the chosen contractor to repair the house and at the same time build a small extension at the back, meant to be the reading room. It is just a tiny room about 11' x 16' in size.

So in mid-August 2017 the repair works and the constructing of the small back extension began. My house is a low-cost house and is actually very small. I, on the other hand, tend to have a lot of things. Books, collectibles, knick-knacks, souvenirs etc. In other words, a bit of a hoarder. So the house became a very very cluttered, untidy, dusty place on earth while the works were going on. The construction took about 25 days. Those were 25 very very stressful days for me and for my cats too. Mickey Benjamin simply refused to go to the kitchen area and I had to put the feeding bowl in the porch area for him to eat. He was indeed very anxious and stressed. What more with all the banging, hammering and knocking going round throughout the day. My cats disappeared during the day, only coming back to the house in the evening when the workmen were gone. Even then they were edgy, they kept inspecting and sniffing all corners of the house, trying to make sure that it was really their home. Well, Wan Nyah was there all the while, so it must be their home. But to them, the house must looked very strange and it smelled funny too with all that paint all over the walls.
My weight went down to 55 kg as I began to lose appetite during that period. It became more stressful as during that 25 days I couldn't go out anywhere. Even on Sundays when the workmen were off, for safety reasons I couldn't leave the house unattended. I hesitated to ask assistance from my nephews who live around Klang Valley as I felt they have their own commitments. I like to be independent whenever and wherever I can.

My 25 days of stress

The 25 days felt like forever but in the end the works did get completed. Thank you my Lord. I promise that from now on, I will pay greater attention to the house and maintain it from time to time and not procrastinate over time until everything needs major repair. I do not want to go through another 25 days like in mid-August 2017.

The repairs and the small extension were completed. Now back to the bookshelf. I really like a bookshelf  that is built-in high and totally covers one wall of the room with a movable ladder for easy access to the top part. But alas, I have space constraint. My wall is only about 9' tall and about 11' long. The other thing, I wanted the shelves to be cat-friendly. Therefore it cannot stretch up to the ceiling and on one side the shelf has to have steps that my furry kids can jump up to. I also need the bottom part of the shelves to be covered for files, papers, stationery and odds-and-ends.

So, in the end, with the space constraint and of course the money constraint too, I ended up with the bookshelf that is about 7' tall and 10' long. There's a space at the top for my kids to climb. Tam Benjamin adores the top of the shelves especially on rainy days. Actually the whole shelf is rather small and it cannot accommodate all my books. I still need to use the upstairs ready-made shelf. But at least none of my books are in plastic boxes anymore.

My dream bookshelf ha ha ha 

What I ended up with. My humble bookshelf. At long last!

Tam Benjamin, the guardian of the bookshelf

Testing the comfort of the other end of the bookshelf

The guardian, on top of the other 20-year old bookshelf

My three kids love the room

The trio relaxing in the evening

Sunlight filtering through lace curtain into the room. I
really adore the morning sunlight. It's motivating and
uplifting the spirit!

A flap-door for my kids. The guardian observing other
felines passing by.

Thank you my Lord for everything in my life. I live one day at a time. My life is very humble, very mediocre and yet I still find little pockets of joy here and there. I got this very humble and small reading room with the equally humble bookshelf when I am 63+. Most people would be puzzled why I sound happy but I am. I am very grateful. I'm also grateful that I am healthy, I feel good and I still enjoy the pleasure of reading. Books are always my companions.